When You're Gone
by LucyMagnus
Summary: Daniel ascended to higher place of living and Janet is trying to cope with his loss.


I would like to say English is not my mother's language and I don't have a beta reader so all mistakes are mine and I do apologize in advance if you see any. I hope you'll be able to enjoy the story anyway.

"I've lost him." That was the thought that run through Janet's mind. It was her job to save lives and she was quite good at it. But this time, when it counted the most, she failed. She failed miserably and her friend paid the highest price. He was dead. It didn't matter it wasn't in her power to save him. It didn't matter that even Tok'ra failed. She didn't care that according to O'Neill, Daniel wanted them to let him go. It wasn't in her nature to give up. He was supposed to have a long life ahead of him, yet there he was, dead. Or, if she permitted herself to believe her eyes, ascended. Apparently, Daniel was now higher living being. Energy. Something, that was beyond her. The important thing was, she lost him. She lost the kindest person she had ever known. He always put others' interests in front of his. He was always ready to help others no matter the price he might have to pay. Which now cost his life.

Janet looked around. She saw the faces of others. She could read in their expressions they also couldn't believe Daniel was gone. Janet was wondering what happened that colonel O'Neill stopped colonel Carter in his efforts to save Daniel. Did really Jackson managed somehow to communicate with O'Neill and tell him to stop? She was aware how exhausting the healing for colonel Carter was. She also knew that Daniel would do exactly that. He would rather die than to put others in danger. Yet, she wasn't ready to believe it that easily. "But what other choice do I have?" she asked herself.

There was nothing else that could have been done. If she was honest to herself she had to admit there really wasn't a chance to save Daniel. He must have known. Instead of dying, he must have decided to ascent. She was sure he chose it because he believed he would be able to help others. But who would help her? Who would be here for Janet when she needed someone to talk to? Of course, she had Sam, but lately, she had realised, she enjoyed the company of Daniel.

It was so easy to talk to him about anything and everything. He was a great listener, never interrupting her, always asking the correct answers, giving sound advices or just simply supporting any decision she had made.

Now, he was gone. His great sense of humour, his patience, his excitement, when he talked about his passion – archaeology. She would miss it all. But above all of this, she would miss the fleeting glances, the seemingly random touches, they had been sharing lately. She wasn't entirely sure how she felt about it but she had been enjoying it non the less. She had no idea how much she had missed the gentle touches, the warm smiles, the happy twinkles in his eyes. All of that was gone, now. Lost in his attempt to save others who would never appreciate the sacrifice he had made. "Was it really worth it?" Janet was asking herself.

"Janet?" this only word, spoken with kindness, finally penetrated her thoughts. She lifted her head only to find the blue eyes, filled with tears, trying to penetrate her thoughts. Even though the eyes belonged to her best friend, she couldn't let her see, what was on her mind. First of all, it was something she had to deal first. Even then, she wasn't sure she would ever be able to talk about it. Maybe it was better to leave it unspoken. Nobody could do anything about it anyway. It was her burden to carry and she would keep the secret safe.

„Is there anything I can help with?" Sam asked.

Janet only shook her head. „That's alright. Just leave it to me and leave the infirmary, please." Janet could see nobody really wanted to listen to her advice but there was nothing else to be done. They would be only in her way. So she just ignored them and started to clean the infirmary, knowing that sooner or later, they would comply with her wish. She just tried not to look at anyone as she didn't want them to see her tears, that were threatening to spill on her cheeks. She didn't wish to be seen crying, it was something she wished to do alone.

Finally, everything was done and Janet could leave the base to go home. Cassie was supposed to sleep over at her friend which Janet appreciated. She knew she would have to tell her daughter that Daniel was dead but right now she just needed time to deal with it herself. Before she left, she had seen Sam in Daniel's office. She's been gently touching the big volumes of Egyptian and Greek mythology Daniel used to love so much. Janet just passed by quickly, as she didn't want to be drawn to any conversion Sam might have had on her mind.

Janet knew all too well how much will be Daniel missed, but right now she didn't have the strength with others emotions. She had enough on her plate to deal with. Partly, she felt selfish. She knew Daniel would have tried to comfort them all, ignoring his needs and feelings. Partly, she just felt tired and was persuading herself she was just giving others the space she needed herself.

As soon as she got home, she made herself something simple to eat. Not that she was hungry, even though she hadn't eaten much through the day, but because she wanted to have a drink, and the doctor in her knew too well the disadvantages of drinking on empty stomach.

After she's eaten, she poured herself generous glass of wine. Then she remembered the last time she had drunk wine and tears threatened to spill on her cheeks. Janet thought back to that time, not long ago, when Daniel and she went out. It really wasn't a date; at least they never talked about it that way. For Janet, it was just two friends getting out together. She was sure Daniel felt the same way. They had never talked about them being more than friends. Maybe because of what Daniel went through when he lost his wife. Or maybe because they didn't want to loose the friendship they've had. Either way, it didn't matter now. Daniel was gone and Janet was left alone with all those feelings she had never dared to voice them out loud. Finally, she couldn't hold the tears back any more; she let them fall freely on her cheeks.

It's been weeks since Daniel's death. Life returned to normal for all but few of them. Janet was working as usual, trying to keep all the emotions bottled deep down where nobody could see them. She's been struggling ever since Daniel's death. The most difficult task was to tell her daughter what had happened. Cassie was really fond of Daniel and his death hit her hard. When Janet told her about Daniel's death, Cassie was inconsolable. She has been crying for, what seemed to Janet, hours. It broke Janet's heart and in the end they were both holding each other in arms, crying together.

Now, they had Jonas taking Daniel's place. Janet was well aware that colonel O'Neill was giving him a hard time and she couldn't bear herself to try to make it easier for Jonas as well. She knew it wasn't Jonas' fault Daniel wasn't among them anymore but he represented the planet, the people who were at fault and for SG1 and herself was difficult to accept him on Daniel's position. She was aware it couldn't be easy for Jonas either, and the little voice in the back of her head, that sounded exactly like Daniel, was telling her to try her best and to be nice to Jonas. It really wasn't easy but bearing in mind Daniel's willingness to see only the good in people, she has been trying her best.

"How are you doing?" Janet heard a voice she recognised behind her. She turned around to face her best friend.

"I'm fine and you?" she answered, trying to suppress her thoughts but apparently in vain as Sam said:

"You've been thinking about Daniel, right?" Without even waiting for confirmation, she continued: "It's been weeks now but I miss him all the same. I just hope that he is happy wherever he is. I've been trying to accept the fact that technically he is not dead but ascended which means he is still alive, kind of. But it doesn't help."

Janet nodded. Sam described exactly how she felt. She was also trying to concentrate on the fact Daniel wasn't dead but it was doing no good. He wasn't with them and that's what counted.

"It's been hard on all of us," Janet said. "Cassie didn't want to accept Daniel is gone. She was adamant he'll come back when he realizes how much he's missed. Now, I think she is coming to terms with the fact he won't be returning. I wish I could make it easier for her but I don't know how."

"Oh Janet! Why haven't you said anything?"

Smile crossed Janet's lips but disappeared as quickly as it appeared. "All of us is having a hard time to come to terms with the fact Daniel isn't among us anymore. I didn't want to put more burden on anyone's shoulders."

"It's Cassandra, we're taking about. If there is anything I can do, let me know, please. And the same goes for you, too." Sam knew Janet and Daniel were close before he died. She just wasn't sure how close. It was something they had never talked about; and she knew now wasn't the best time to start. She had noticed the looks the two of them were sharing when they thought nobody was watching. Yet, she wasn't sure it went beyond that. She couldn't tell now because Janet was keeping to herself and Sam felt she isn't privy to those feelings. "Maybe because the two of them didn't shared the mutual feelings?" Sam thought. Be as it might, there was nothing she could do about it.

Jack just got out of the elevator still shaking his head trying to wrap his head around meeting Daniel. Months ago, he stopped general Carter's attempt to save Daniel to fulfil his friend's wish to ascend. Now, Daniel was back in his ascended form. Jack would expect Daniel asking about others, how they've been, how they have been coping with his loss. But no, Daniel just came to tell him Abydos was in danger and he had to save it. Jack was pretty sure it was an aspirin he took in the morning. But the being did look like Daniel and talked like one.

Jack, Jack. Hi, Jack. Jack, Abydos is in trouble. Anubis is on its way.

That really sounded like Daniel. Especially when he talked about the Eye of Ra thing. Whatever that was.

He might have acted a bit like an ass but Daniel had it coming. He really did never wrote or called. Besides, it was Daniel, who ascended to a whole new level of existence. Yet, he still needed his help.

It's been Jack's second encounter with ascended Daniel, although he didn't really wanted to think about their first meeting, when he was being held and tortured by Ba'al and Daniel was offering him help to ascend instead of kicking Ba'al's ass. He has been pissed off then when Daniel showed up but didn't really help. And now, he was asking for his help. This ascending thing wasn't really a good deal. Jack knew he did well when he passed Daniel's offer back then.

There has been one thing, that's been bothering Jack now both times he encountered ascended Daniel. He haven't asked about Janet. The folks he's been working with, besides SG1, could describe him as not being really bright, but Jack had noticed Daniel and Janet were getting closer prior his ascension. He knew it must have been hard, especially on Janet seeing Daniel dying and knowing there was nothing she could have done to save him. Yet, both times, Daniel didn't ask about Janet. Even though SGC has seen its share of bizarre, Jack wasn't ready to ask Janet if she spoke to Daniel. It's never been a good idea bringing his name up and this kind of question wouldn't help anyone.

Janet was finishing with the last touches so everything would be ready for Christmas. Cassie was helping her until now but one of her friends picked her up so they could enjoy time together before Christmas when everything would be about family.

Janet's heart felt a bit hollow. It would be Christmas without Daniel. Last year, she invited him over after he helped her and Cassie to put the tree up. She didn't want him to spend the festive time alone. She still remembered the look on his face when she basically commanded him to come. She didn't give him any other choice. Cassandra, upon hearing her mom's offer, also didn't give Daniel chance to say no. Daniel only chuckled and agreed to join them for Christmas dinner.

In the end, it was the whole SG1 who came for dinner. They all brought something to eat and drink so the dinner table was so full, there was barely space for plates and cutlery. Everyone ate and drank too much. They had so much fun, their bellies hurt from laughing. It was wonderful time.

She had no idea how it happened, but in the end, Daniel ended up with her in the kitchen, helping her with dishes and trying to put the leftovers in the fridge. It was just the two of them; the rest were in the living room, laughing at some joke colonel O'Neill said. But Janet wasn't listening to the laughter of her friends. She was enjoying the company of Daniel. She liked the quick smile that always crossed his face whenever their hands accidentally touched.

She felt great in his company and was happy he accepted the invitation. It couldn't be easy to be on his own over Christmas. It was the time to be with family, which was reminding Daniel of his lost wife. Janet was lucky, she had Cassie, but Daniel was alone.

Right then, he looked like he was enjoying himself; smiling at Janet, while she was trying to balance all plates without dropping them on the floor. Then he rushed to help her so she wouldn't have to stand on tiptoes to reach the cupboard where the plates belonged.

"Oh Daniel, I wish you could be here with us," Janet sighed, not realising she said it out loud.

Suddenly, she felt breeze and turned quickly around. But all windows were closed. Yet, the hair on the back of her neck were standing. It felt like someone was there with her. It couldn't have been Cassie, she didn't hear the door opening.

The decoration on Christmas tree tinkled. Yet, there wasn't open any window. Janet turned around again. And there, in front of the tree, he was standing. Daniel. In white pullover and beige trousers. With little smile on his face.

"Janet," he said with his quiet voice.

The ornament, Janet was holding, slipped through her hands, felt on the floor and broke into thousands little pieces.

"Luck is raining," Daniel remarked. But then his face became more serious. "I'm sorry I can't be here with you. There is something I have to take care of and I'm afraid it won't wait after Christmas."

Janet made two small steps towards him; then she realized she won't be able to touch him and stopped. "Be careful."

Daniel smiled slightly. "Always. Take care. Enjoy Christmas with Cassandra. And remember, I'm keeping an eye on you two."

With that, he was gone and Janet was wondering if she was dreaming or if it was some kind of trick her mind was playing. Yet, the shards on the floor were more than real.

When they told her SG1 found Daniel in his human form and were bringing him home, Janet didn't want to believe them. How could that be possible? She had learnt years ago that with SGC, everything was possible, yet this time, she was in doubt.

But when colonel O'Neill brought Daniel to the infirmary, she knew it was true. She had so many questions but knew better than to ask; especially when she's been told Daniel lost his memory and had no idea who he was. It wasn't easy for her to see him looking as if he had never been exposed to radiation, when the last time she saw him, he was dying in front of her eyes. Yet, she performed her duty like always.

"According to all the tests, he is healthy," Janet announced as soon as she noticed O'Neill coming in to her infirmary. "Everything is fine but one thing." Janet handed Daniel his glasses.

After a second he figured it out and put them on his face. "That's better."

"Do you recognize me now?" colonel asked but all he got was a blank stare.

"Were your hair always like that?" Daniel asked and O'Neill smiled slightly.

When they left, Janet went to her office to sit down for a moment. She was full of emotions and needed time to process it all. She was happy to see Daniel back, yet it felt a bit strange too, especially because he had no idea who he was, nor who was she. Janet knew everything between them changed. She remembered but he didn't. She wouldn't and couldn't press him. It wouldn't be fair. On the other hand, it will be difficult for her seeing him everyday not knowing what he's thinking. But that was her problem and she'll deal with it on her own.

Everything was quiet, as most of the times at this late hour at night, when Janet finally finished everything for the day. She was looking forward to going home but there was one last stop she wished to make. She slowly approached the door but then she stopped with uncertainty. Suddenly, she wasn't sure she had the strength to go with her plan. So much had changed. She was staring at the door, trying to come up with a courage to proceed, feeling like school girl on her first date. When she finally mustered the strength and stepped forward, the door suddenly opened and Daniel appeared on the threshold.

"I've been waiting for you," Daniel said and stepped aside in a gesture of invitation.

Janet stood still. This wasn't at all how she imagined it. Then she took a deep breath and followed Daniel inside, closing the door behind her with the clang of finality.

"Janet." Daniel said while searching her face for some reaction. He saw the bewilderment and surprise mixed with other feelings. "I've remembered you." More scrutiny of her face followed.

Janet had no idea what he saw in her face but she's been delighted to hear he remembered her. She wanted to tell him so much, yet she couldn't find the right words. So she settled for quietly searching his face for any changes the ascension might have left behind. There were none. He might have even looked better then before. Something had changed; he seemed same, yet different at the same time.

"I do apologize." Daniel said after of a quiet moment. "It couldn't have been easy for you to let me go; especially when you swore an oath to help people. But at that time, I thought I'm making the right decision."

Janet took a deep breath, not knowing how to react. "You're right," she said finally. "It was difficult to watch you go." She wanted to say more but couldn't find the right words. How was she supposed to tell him it broke her heart seeing him dying and then turning into higher form of being? He left to do better good, but while doing so, he left her with a hole in her heart. Only after he was gone, Janet finally admitted to herself how she felt about Daniel. By that point, it was too late. She hadn't imagined, he would be ever coming back. Now, he was standing in front of her and Janet was left speechless.

Daniel made one tentative step towards Janet while watching her reaction. When she didn't step back, he made one more step forward. Suddenly, he was holding her face in his hands looking into her brown eyes. Few seconds elapsed without one of them moving or breathing. Then Daniel gently lifted her chin and kissed her softly.

"I should have done it much earlier," Daniel said when they parted.

Janet put hand on his chest and said: "It's never too late." And kissed him back.

The End


End file.
